“We have a warrant to search your house,” Baldy says.
“Because you are a thief and a bank robber”
“I haven’t stolen anything!”
Baldy consulted his notepad. “You were caught stealing a MAD magazine from a store.”
“I was eight years old!”
Baldy ignores you and says he’ll be right back. He lied. You wait over 30 minutes. When he finally returns, he’s not in a good mood nor does he offer you coffee or another Pepsi. You’re thinking you could really use a cigarette right now, although you don’t smoke.
“You have weird things in your home,” Baldy said.
“What weird things?”
“Little strange thingies. Some are locked in glass cages. Forensic is checking them out.”
You sit there looking puzzled, trying to figure out what the hell Baldy is talking about. Then your worst fear hits you in the face. What if they planted these things.
Fatso enters the room. He is no longer jovial either. Looks like the friendship’s over.
“We are keeping you here overnight.”
“Why? I haven’t done anything.”
“Bomb Squad is checking out those suspicious thingies.”
Bomb squad? Forensic? This is starting to resemble more C.S.I. than Colombo.
“I wish somebody would tell me what you guys are talking about!”
You are handcuffed and read your Miranda rights. This is crazy, you are thinking. Has to be a dream. This just doesn’t happen!
You are then taken to the basement for processing and a full body exam. When this is over, they give you cold supper on a tray. The meat is gray and unrecognizable, the mashed potatoes are lumpy and the mixed vegetables are a soggy mess that you can’t eat any of it. Instead you chew on the hard roll and drink the grape juice. When you are finished, they take you upstairs and put you in a cell in the infirmary. You are left all alone with nothing but a flimsy blanket. After tossing for hours, you eventually fall asleep where you have a dream about Baldy. He fell into an abandoned well and is crying out to you to save him. You stand there contemplating the matter. Just before you make a decision, the dream changes scenery and you see yourself making out with an ugly girl from high school.
The next morning, you are awakened by a Correctional Officer, who takes you back downstairs and tells you to sit down and wait. After nearly 30 minutes, Baldy arrives. He looks horrible, red eyed with dark circles under them. He is blinking rapidly. You wonder if this means he’s guilty of something. Maybe he had the same nightmare and found out how it ended.
“You’re free to go,” he says. “Your things will be returned to you later today.”
You are so excited that you nearly give him a hug. As you are about to make a mad dash for the door and freedom, you stop yourself. You need to ask Baldy something because the suspense has been killing you all night.
“Um, just what were those thingies you confiscated?”
Baldy glares at you, turns and walks away without saying a word.
You wait at home for a police officer to return your belongings. Finally, at 5:09 PM there’s a knock on your door. The officer brings in three big boxes. You tear them open excitedly as if they were Christmas presents. After the last box is emptied, you’re in shock, total disbelief. Is this really what they were suspicious about? You try not to laugh, but then you remember Fatso and Baldy’s faces and you end up snorting like a horse till you’re sitting on the floor with the tears flowing.
Those weird looking thingies that the bomb squad was called out to examine and prepare to detonate, were ……
[……We are sorry, due to a citywide power failure, this post was forced to end abruptly.]